Animal Crackers

animal crackers -- noun

A popular children's snack, in which the sweet crackers are shaped like zoo animals.

"Sweet" my a$$. Eating an animal cracker is roughly the equivalent of eating a piece of cardboard. I don't care if it's shaped like a polar bear, it still tastes like crap. It's not like M&Ms where you pick out your favorite color and (somehow) your brain convinces you that the blue M&M tastes better than the brown. With animal crackers, the polar bear tastes just as sh*tty as the donkey.

And what the hell are they thinking when they pick the species of animal shapes to feature in Nabisco's "Barnum's Animal Crackers"? Have you ever seen a sheep in the circus, or a koala for that matter? Stick with the circus showbiz theme of animal incarceration and abuse. Interestingly enough, PETA hasn't made any arson attempts (to date) on a Nabisco factory which means it considers Nalgene and Paris Hilton to be greater threats to the animal kingdom. Call me crazy but this reeks of a PETA conspiracy to curtail carnivorous activity in young children. Picture this:

[Upon eating an animal cracker in the shape of a cow]

As you lift the cracker to your mouth you see the little bovine creature and your eyes send signals to your brain that you are eating something that looks like a cow. As you begin to chew, your taste bud receptors signal to the cranial nerves that you are eating a disgusting cracker and they, in turn, carry that crappy taste up to the brain. The brain then associates consuming "cow" products with the taste of crap thereby reducing children's natural proclivity to eat meat. Case closed. Bravo, PETA, bravo.

Oh, and to the marketing geniuses at Nabisco: Your asinine claim that your "crackers" are a "Good source of calcium" can only be explained by the fact that people associate "calcium" with things that are white (e.g. milk, cheese, etc) and you can make that claim because your crackers are made primarily out of chalk. Please pass the Jules Destrooper Almond Thins.

Butterflies

butterfly |ˈbətərˌflī|-- noun ( pl. -flies)

An insect with two pairs of large wings that are covered with tiny scales, usually brightly colored, and typically held erect when at rest. Butterflies fly by day, have clubbed or dilated antennae, and usually feed on nectar.

I hate every member of the Lepidoptera order. Big, small, colorful; they elicit the same response as a cockroach -- disgust.

Have you ever had 300 of these [seemingly] harmless vermin land on you simultaneously? One or two seem pretty innocuous but when they all start landing on you and not on any of the other 20 people in the walk through habitat, it's hard not to start indiscriminately swatting and smashing every set of colorful little wings that's landing all over your face and hair in a fit of hysteria. All I have to say to the habitat curator who had the pleasure of escorting me out after the butterfly bloodbath is:

"I don't care if you warned me prior to entering the exhibit that touching butterflies' wings with our oily fingers kills them. Those glorified roaches should know that touching my face with their dusty feet is what will kill them."

If you don't want to be blacklisted for life from a butterfly habitat, then I suggest you never go to the Saint Louis Butterfly Museum while wearing a custom blend of Tom Ford perfume. Personally, I'd rather be covered in South American fire ants than a horde of rainforest butterflies.

Mayonnaise

mayonnaise |ˈmāəˌnāz; ˌmāəˈnāz|-- noun

A thick, creamy dressing consisting of egg yolks beaten with oil and vinegar and seasoned.

I hate mayonnaise of any kind, especially of the bottled Hellmann's variety. I hate the color, the texture, the flavor and especially the exorbitant amount of calories it adds to any meal. Keep if off my burgers, BLTs and out of my salad dressings. If there is mayo touching any portion of my meal, you better believe that I am not eating it.

The poor servers who mistakenly deliver a burger or sandwich with mayo on it after receiving a clear directive to bring me my meal sans that creamy, eggy, highly caloric substance often underestimate my abhorrence of it. In response to their negligence I can only say:

"No, I am not satisfied with just SCRAPING the mayo off the bun [how lazy could the kitchen and the waitstaff possibly be?] because in addition to soaking into the bun, it has has also soiled my meat."

Hellmann's mayo is so unnaturally disgusting that they have to qualify their product by calling it "real". Call me high maintenance but frankly, I'd rather starve to death than eat something with mayonnaise on it. Please pass the mustard.