Stuffed Animals Displayed in Car Windows

stuffed animal -- noun

A toy sewn from cloth, plush, or other textiles, and stuffed with straw, beans, plastic pellets, cotton, synthetic fibers, or other similar materials.

Newsflash: If you are an adult driving around with a teddy bear you bought for $0.50 at a yard sale or a gas station in your rear window, you are either a Mexican woman over the age of 50 or a rapist. Now if you are the latter, my fair ignoramus, it's blatantly obvious, because nothing says "I Think Toddlers Are Sexy" quite like a warped teddy bear holding an "I Love You" heart in the back window of your car.

First of all, there's the problem with your overall approach: If you are trying to attract the kiddies, you may want to start with something that doesn't look like it traipsed through a nuclear radiation plant. The decrepit thing sitting in your window is probably stuffed with crappy cotton balls and covered with chemically produced fur that makes polyester feel like 5000 thread count Frette sheets; It's practically radioactive. We're not talking about a teddy bear sewn with love and care, this thing looks like it was sewn together as part of a macabre ritual -- i.e. craftsmanship so grisly that only Mary Shelley, or perhaps Ed Gein, would appreciate. Add this to the fact that the thing has been sitting in the sun, transmogrifying from a rich brown to a discolored, yellowed, wraith-of-a-bear, and TA-DA, I bring you: Chernobyl Bear. You have a better chance of finding the Lost City of Atlantis than using the aforementioned monstrosity to lure a kid over age 3 into your car. Try taping "Fantasy Animal" Silly Bandz all over your window instead, sicko.

And by the way, proudly displaying Chernobyl Bear in your window isn't earning you any points either. The damn thing looks abused, isolated and imprisoned in your "Crazy Car". This is a HUGE RED FLAG to paranoid parents and even kids. Every self-respecting kid knows that the rear window of a car is roughly the equivalent of stuffed-animal-Auschwitz. You NEVER leave your plushies in the car; they get lonely or they might even suffocate in the heat. Clearly, Aspiring Pedophile, you are not the "friendly adult" or the "big kid" you are trying to portray yourself as. You had a messed up childhood that involved no affection, no toys, no love and no play-time otherwise you would know these things. You might as well be driving a big white Danger Van with the windows painted over. The fact that you are completely oblivious to the nuances of happy childhood would explain why you've incarcerated an innocent bear in your rear window that looks like you've been force feeding it hexavalent chromium instead of going the candy/ice cream route or even exhibiting something more appealing, like Zhu Zhu Pets. Congratulations, not only are you soulless, but you're also an imbecile, and every kid that sees that stuffed specter in your car knows it.

For the record: Your mother never loved you and neither does that bear, regardless of what the red heart says.