Mayonnaise

mayonnaise |ˈmāəˌnāz; ˌmāəˈnāz|-- noun

A thick, creamy dressing consisting of egg yolks beaten with oil and vinegar and seasoned.

I hate mayonnaise of any kind, especially of the bottled Hellmann's variety. I hate the color, the texture, the flavor and especially the exorbitant amount of calories it adds to any meal. Keep if off my burgers, BLTs and out of my salad dressings. If there is mayo touching any portion of my meal, you better believe that I am not eating it.

The poor servers who mistakenly deliver a burger or sandwich with mayo on it after receiving a clear directive to bring me my meal sans that creamy, eggy, highly caloric substance often underestimate my abhorrence of it. In response to their negligence I can only say:

"No, I am not satisfied with just SCRAPING the mayo off the bun [how lazy could the kitchen and the waitstaff possibly be?] because in addition to soaking into the bun, it has has also soiled my meat."

Hellmann's mayo is so unnaturally disgusting that they have to qualify their product by calling it "real". Call me high maintenance but frankly, I'd rather starve to death than eat something with mayonnaise on it. Please pass the mustard.